first crush

Brian Marks was the cutest guy at Corydon Middle School. I loved him. Real love. I was in seventh grade and he was in eighth. He had strawberry blond hair and a crooked but charming smile. He had the bluest eyes you ever saw. He wasn't super tall, but just tall enough that I would have to stand on my tippytoes if we kissed. I noticed everthing about him, when he got new Addidas tennis shoes, his jean jacket, his new haircut.

Brian had no idea that I loved him. He was out of my league for sure. I was not cute. I was not popular, I was not trendy. I didn't dress super cute and I tended to say stupid things when I got nervous. My hair, however, was the biggest problem. It was plain brown and naturally curly. All the other girls had straight hair that would swing back and forth when they walked. I tried to make mine like that. I had my mom buy me some of those products at Wal-mart that promised silky smooth tresses, but nothing worked. I would spend 45 minutes straightening my hair in the morning and by the afternoon, it would in a ponytail and I would be in tears. AS if that wasn't enough, I had freckles. calling them "angel kisses" did little to make me feel better about them. Freckles were not "In" in middle school. I begged to wear make-up, but my mom said that girls my age shouldn't wear make up. I argued that ALL the girls in my class could wear make- up but me. She said that she wasn't THEIR mother, she was mine... sigh. So even with my Bonnie Bell lip gloss and eyelash curlers, I had to suffer through with the freckles.

I tried to get Brian's attention. I bumped into him in the hallway. I sat across from him in the caffeteria. I even "accidentally" got on his bus instead of mine on the way home from school. None of these worked. The bus thing was a disaster. I am not sure he knew who I was. Then one day I figured out a way to get him to love me. I was a pretty good writer. I would write him some love poems anonynously... he would read them and be intrigued... he would HAVE to find out who wrote these poems... He would find me... love me... and give me my first kiss. It was a perfect plan.

The first poem was brilliant...
I love you more than a dogwood in spring
like Prometheus brought fire my love I do bring

I met you in the month of november
you probably don't care or just don't remember

my life would be beautiful if only you were in it..
my heart like a candle in which you have lit

a simple "I Love You" is all that it takes
and my heart will soar just like the day breaks.

Personally, I was pretty proud of the Prometheus reference. We had been studying Greek Mythology and I though it gave the whole poem an intellectual feel. I slipped the note through the vents in his locker during PE. Then I waited. Three days went by with no response. So I tried again with another poem.


You are the one I've been waiting for
You are the one that I adore

you are the most wonderful guy
you shine like a star in the night sky

you are the onewho I dream of
you are the man that I love.

Ok so it wasn't Shakespeare, but it only had to be good enough to get Brian's attention. This poem didnt do very well either. Still no response. I finally asked my friend, Missy, for advice. She thought the whole secret admirer thing was silly and that I should just tell him. I guess she decided to take matters into her own hands and tell Brian that I was the secret admirer. Privacy, it seems is hard to get in middle school. But lo and behold--after lunch there was a note in my locker.

Melody ( he spelled my name wrong- I didn't care)

I got your notes. Meet me by the water fountain after school. The one in the lobby- do you knowthat one?

Brian

I nearly died. The paper smelled like him and I grinned just thinking that he had held that very piece of paper in his hands. Did I know the one?!? YUH of course I did!!! The water fountain in the lobby was where all the cool kids hung out after school. Not me of course.. but the popular kids. This was the most exciting thing that had ever happened to me. I could hardly make it through my classes that afternoon. I was nearly giddy with excitment. Brian loved me too! I was in heaven.

That spot was the place to see and be seen. I had had an embarrassing incident there when a popular girl stepped in line right in front of me for the fountain. I said " excuse me I think you stepped in front of me" and she said. " you don't matter." I was stunned and had avoided that area for months. But here I was headed toward the fountain after school. I had been INVITED there by Brian Marks. the cutest guy in school invited me there. I did so matter!

As soon as the bell rang I sprinted to the bathroom. I recurled my eyelashes and wished for the hundredth time that day that I could wear mascara. then I tightened my fuzzy ponytail and applied a new coat of bonnie bell lip gloss. I pinched my cheeks to give them some color and decided it was pretty good. Not great, but pretty good.

When I entered the lobby, I noticed that my love was already there. I started to get a little insecure, but I reminded myself that Brian Marks ahd written me a note that day and I had nothing to fear. he was there leaning against the wall with one foot on the wall behind him. He was wearing his jean jacket of course. His new haircut looked so adorable. I smiled like an idiot.

"Hi" I said
"Hey" he replied

What happened after the greetings is sort of a blur to me now... I think it went something like this.

him: "I talked to Missy today about you"
me: "yea, she told me" I am such a dork, I wished I could have said something clever.
him: "well I guess it is you that has been writing those poems and sticking them in my locker"
me: "uh-huh" again, I am not very clever when it counts
him: " look, I asked you to meet me here because I have something important to ask you"
I said nothing, I was afraid to speak.
he continued hesitantly: well... it is clear that you like me and can really write poems..."
I couldn't wait: " YES!" (It came from my mouth before I could stop it.)
him: yes what?
me: w-well ( I was stammering)... I just though you were building up to ask me to go out with you. I said yes. I like you. you like my poems, you asked me to meet you and I was just thinking that maybe you were going to ask me out. "
( when I think of what happened next, I wish the floor would have swallowed me up)

Brian looked confused and then said: " actually, I wasn't going to ask you out, I was hoping you would stop writing notes to me and sticking them in my locker."
I stood frozen to the spot... speechless and praying that this was a bad dream.
After a minute,he continued: " well, its just that .. well I don't feel the same about you that you feel about me".
I still said nothing. I was afraid that if I spoke or moved, tears would come pouring out of my eyes.

He added more confidently: "I just think it would be better if you didn't write me any more poems."
I found my voice: " uh, ok. I just thought that maybe... " I stopped " ok I will just talk to you later."
He looked relieved. he started to walk away toward his bus, ( I had already missed mine). The place was starting to clear out and before I could stop myself I called out to him.

Me: "Brian"!! I motioned for him to come back over with all the confidence I could muster.
A million thoughts raced through my mind. Did he already have a girlfriend. Maybe he loved someone else the way I loved him. Maybe his heart was already spoken for... oh why didn't I check that out BEFORE I wrote those stupid poems. Maybe my timing was just off.

I said quietly, "I have to ask you... do you just like somone else?"
He answered, "no, I just don't like you."
It felt like a knife.
"oh, ok", I lied.
I turned immediately and walked into the bathroom. The tears didn't come until I reached the last stall. I leaned back against the cool tile wall and opened the flood gates.
I cried because I thought I would never love anyone again and that I would never find anyone who could love me. I cried for my frizzy hair,my big mouth, my uncleverness, and for my freckles. My mom told me that middle school isn't real. That everyone feels just as small and insignificant as I did. she said that what I felt for Brian was called a crush because of that very feeling of being crushed.

Since that horrible experience in Middle School, I have loved, been loved, been crushed and maybe even crushed someone else. I have retold this story of my first heartbreak. I have told my middle school students that even though it feels contrary, there is a big world out there outside of middle school. I have written a ton of better poems than those and given other little peices of my heart to those I care about.

As for the rest of the story, I came into my own in high school. tamed my hair and learned that a kind heart and big smile could counter the freckles. I was asked out twice by Brian Marks in college and found him completley lacking. I talked with him about that day by the water fountain. I grew up, remembered and moved on. It is a good story though...